You know the feeling, the one where you feel like everything that you've been through in life actually had a purpose and made you the person you are? I had that feeling recently, and it was so nice to have it. Besides being a mom, I feel again like there is something else to live for in my life. Sometimes all it takes is a little wine to make you realize that importance that you have in life. Maybe I will never do anything big with my life, and that is ok. I am completely happy with what I am doing and where I am at. I am the happiest I have been in a long time, and completely happy, not just here and there or in some aspects and not others. The whole picture is happy. Yes, I would be thrilled if Trinity and Christopher were here and wanted to be but I am ok with the fact that they chose to live with their dad. It isn't how I pictured things to be but it is ok to not know everything or for things to go different than you planned. Everything that has happened to me in the last year, there has been a reason for it. All the things I learned about how to be a better partner, it is paying off. Maybe it isn't in the way I planned for or expected but I am glad. Everything I have been through this year had a purpose. It made me realize who I am and what I can do to make myself and other people around me happy. I am a much better person than I was a year ago. I am a better mom, I am a better Sarah.
I feel wanted again, needed by someone other than my kids and appreciated for the things I do. I can't explain how much of a difference that makes in my life. Everyone has a purpose in life and right now mine isn't to have a job. That may change in a couple months but for right now, I am doing what I should be doing by staying home, taking care of Bella, the house, Marley, Lexi and doing all the little things I do through out the day to make a difference, in a small way to the people I love.
I know that things can change. I probably will never forget that and it will take me a long time to ever let go of that fear that it will. If I could change one thing right now, that would be it. Yes, things can change but it doesn't sound like they are going to any time soon. Right now, my life is good and I am making people happy. It doesn't matter that the things I worry about for myself aren't done. It doesn't matter that I am not working or that I can't contribute the way I *think* I should be. I am contributing, I am making a difference. I am enough. That all by itself is the biggest thing I am thankful for. Me, all by myself, is enough. All the other things I worried about, don't matter and that is such a huge relief. To know that what I am doing and who I am is exactly enough.
I am rambling, I know. But the wine I had this weekend was really awesome. It made me feel so much more confident in me, in my life. I don't feel alone, I feel accepted. All the things I was worried about, I don't have to worry about them right now, maybe never again. If I can just accept my reality and stop thinking that it is all going to be short lived. This is real and happening. I can be happier than I ever thought I could be. I am happier than I ever imagined. As crazy of a place that I am in, I am not stressed or worried. I am happy.
I feel loved and wanted. What more can a girl ask for? Oh to be appreciated..... well I feel that too. It is amazing and I hope it never goes away.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Starting over....
Starting over is never easy. Especially when you have to start at the very beginning but that is exactly what I have had to do this year. The saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I believe that whole heartily after this year. The beginning of the year started off like any other year, but after that, things went insane. The person I was married to and supported for 8 years decided he had enough of me and wanted to leave. It took a few months and a lot of tears but in the end, we are getting divorced and I am completely ok with it. What made that happen? I have no doubts anymore. At first I spent a lot of time wondering if there was something I could have done different but I learned, it wasn't me! It was him and there was nothing I could do or change that would make him happy and once I accepted that I didn't do anything wrong and that it wasn't something wrong with me, I was ok. The second time he left, I was much stronger than the first and I picked myself up and got right back out there. I started talking to a bunch of different people, guys mostly, and talking to them helped me realize that I was a good person and worth the right persons time.
During the end of July and the beginning of August I started dating again. I went on a couple dates with one guy and talked on the phone to a couple of different guys but then I met one guy that changed my life completely. After I met him, things changed for me. I felt more confident, more like myself. I found myself wanting to spend all my time with him, any chance I got. Then I even did something I said I would never do, and I let him meet my kids.... we had only been talking for a couple weeks. I had decided that I wouldn't introduce anyone to the kids til I had been dating them for three months. But there was something about this guy that made me want to break that rule. I am so glad I did, he has turned out to be the best possible thing that could have happened to me. He makes me happy and he is good to my kids. What else could I ask for. Certainly, I was not prepared to fall in love again. I had my guard up, I was sure that I didn't want anything serious when my husband left me for a long time. But I couldn't change how I felt. It is amazing the difference in my life since I met my boyfriend. After only a couple months of dating, we decided for the kids and me to move in with him. Since we were spending all of our free time together, it just seemed like a good idea. Why pay rent to someone else, where the money isn't going to anything when I could give my rent money to him and have it go towards something helpful? I KNOW it was a crazy thing to do, but sometimes crazy is the right answer. I mean, I am crazy.... I have to do crazy things sometimes.
The transition has gone awesome. I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He is smart and motivated and can make anything happen. I have never known anyone like him in my whole life. He inspires me and helps me be a better person. I find myself wanting to do things I hated doing before. For example: LAUNDRY! I hate laundry but I know it makes life easier when it is kept up and I have been doing awesome keeping it up. It has been months and I haven't gotten behind at all, I am proud of myself. My favorite thing about my boyfriend is that he tells me thank you. I know he appreciates the things I do but hearing someone say thank you, it means a lot after days of doing the same thing all the time. Sometimes, that is what motivates me to keep things done. I want to make him happy so it makes me want to do things for him. I can't really explain it.
The biggest stress in my life right now is that I am not working. Money always stresses me out and if it wasn't for my boyfriend letting us live here, I honestly don't know where I would be right now. My ex husband hasn't been able to give me the money he is supposed to be and I wasn't able to pay my rent.... had I not moved in here, I would have been evicted from the place I had planned on moving to and who knows where the kids and I would have ended up. I have been looking for work, it just isn't easy to find a decent job with decent pay. And my boyfriend likes me being home, so it is hard to justify getting a job that is for minimum wage when I could be here doing things here, being with the kids, and having dinner ready for him when he gets home. Hopefully, I can find a job though and actually contribute to the things that are going on here. I have never in my life been in a position like this, where I am so dependent on someone else. I have always had a job where I could afford whatever I needed and could take care of the kids. But right now, I am not. I can barely afford groceries, let alone my rent. Thankfully, my alimony and child support will be starting more regularly next month and I will feel a lot better about being here. I mean, I love being here, our new little family is awesome and I am so happy, but I will feel a lot better when I am paying what I am supposed to be and able to buy all the groceries with no problems. Not to mention the little things, like I NEED my hair done. It is getting out of control. Christmas is coming up and I have no way to get the kids much.
I am so thankful that I met my boyfriend when I did. I can't imagine how different things would be for me right now if I hadn't. I know I would be miserable. It is really awesome how one person can make such a huge difference in your life so quickly. He really balances me out. I am indecisive, impulsive, messy, and just a mess but when I am with him I feel like I am not stressed, I am in control and have a better grip on life.
I still worry.... at some point all of my crazy life could be too much for him and everything will be gone. I hope that doesn't happen but I can't put that worry out of my mind. I shouldn't worry but I know that my life is a lot to handle, I am barely hanging on most days. So far he has been more than ready for the challenges and has handled everything perfectly. I really couldn't have asked for anyone better to enter my life. How did I get that lucky? I will never know but for now, I am going to enjoy the happiness that I have and try not to stress. Things are falling into place and setting me up for happiness in so many ways. Once I find a job, things will be even better.
I guess that is enough for today. Welcome to my crazy life and here is to starting over..... its working out great so far.
During the end of July and the beginning of August I started dating again. I went on a couple dates with one guy and talked on the phone to a couple of different guys but then I met one guy that changed my life completely. After I met him, things changed for me. I felt more confident, more like myself. I found myself wanting to spend all my time with him, any chance I got. Then I even did something I said I would never do, and I let him meet my kids.... we had only been talking for a couple weeks. I had decided that I wouldn't introduce anyone to the kids til I had been dating them for three months. But there was something about this guy that made me want to break that rule. I am so glad I did, he has turned out to be the best possible thing that could have happened to me. He makes me happy and he is good to my kids. What else could I ask for. Certainly, I was not prepared to fall in love again. I had my guard up, I was sure that I didn't want anything serious when my husband left me for a long time. But I couldn't change how I felt. It is amazing the difference in my life since I met my boyfriend. After only a couple months of dating, we decided for the kids and me to move in with him. Since we were spending all of our free time together, it just seemed like a good idea. Why pay rent to someone else, where the money isn't going to anything when I could give my rent money to him and have it go towards something helpful? I KNOW it was a crazy thing to do, but sometimes crazy is the right answer. I mean, I am crazy.... I have to do crazy things sometimes.
The transition has gone awesome. I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He is smart and motivated and can make anything happen. I have never known anyone like him in my whole life. He inspires me and helps me be a better person. I find myself wanting to do things I hated doing before. For example: LAUNDRY! I hate laundry but I know it makes life easier when it is kept up and I have been doing awesome keeping it up. It has been months and I haven't gotten behind at all, I am proud of myself. My favorite thing about my boyfriend is that he tells me thank you. I know he appreciates the things I do but hearing someone say thank you, it means a lot after days of doing the same thing all the time. Sometimes, that is what motivates me to keep things done. I want to make him happy so it makes me want to do things for him. I can't really explain it.
The biggest stress in my life right now is that I am not working. Money always stresses me out and if it wasn't for my boyfriend letting us live here, I honestly don't know where I would be right now. My ex husband hasn't been able to give me the money he is supposed to be and I wasn't able to pay my rent.... had I not moved in here, I would have been evicted from the place I had planned on moving to and who knows where the kids and I would have ended up. I have been looking for work, it just isn't easy to find a decent job with decent pay. And my boyfriend likes me being home, so it is hard to justify getting a job that is for minimum wage when I could be here doing things here, being with the kids, and having dinner ready for him when he gets home. Hopefully, I can find a job though and actually contribute to the things that are going on here. I have never in my life been in a position like this, where I am so dependent on someone else. I have always had a job where I could afford whatever I needed and could take care of the kids. But right now, I am not. I can barely afford groceries, let alone my rent. Thankfully, my alimony and child support will be starting more regularly next month and I will feel a lot better about being here. I mean, I love being here, our new little family is awesome and I am so happy, but I will feel a lot better when I am paying what I am supposed to be and able to buy all the groceries with no problems. Not to mention the little things, like I NEED my hair done. It is getting out of control. Christmas is coming up and I have no way to get the kids much.
I am so thankful that I met my boyfriend when I did. I can't imagine how different things would be for me right now if I hadn't. I know I would be miserable. It is really awesome how one person can make such a huge difference in your life so quickly. He really balances me out. I am indecisive, impulsive, messy, and just a mess but when I am with him I feel like I am not stressed, I am in control and have a better grip on life.
I still worry.... at some point all of my crazy life could be too much for him and everything will be gone. I hope that doesn't happen but I can't put that worry out of my mind. I shouldn't worry but I know that my life is a lot to handle, I am barely hanging on most days. So far he has been more than ready for the challenges and has handled everything perfectly. I really couldn't have asked for anyone better to enter my life. How did I get that lucky? I will never know but for now, I am going to enjoy the happiness that I have and try not to stress. Things are falling into place and setting me up for happiness in so many ways. Once I find a job, things will be even better.
I guess that is enough for today. Welcome to my crazy life and here is to starting over..... its working out great so far.
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