You know the feeling, the one where you feel like everything that you've been through in life actually had a purpose and made you the person you are? I had that feeling recently, and it was so nice to have it. Besides being a mom, I feel again like there is something else to live for in my life. Sometimes all it takes is a little wine to make you realize that importance that you have in life. Maybe I will never do anything big with my life, and that is ok. I am completely happy with what I am doing and where I am at. I am the happiest I have been in a long time, and completely happy, not just here and there or in some aspects and not others. The whole picture is happy. Yes, I would be thrilled if Trinity and Christopher were here and wanted to be but I am ok with the fact that they chose to live with their dad. It isn't how I pictured things to be but it is ok to not know everything or for things to go different than you planned. Everything that has happened to me in the last year, there has been a reason for it. All the things I learned about how to be a better partner, it is paying off. Maybe it isn't in the way I planned for or expected but I am glad. Everything I have been through this year had a purpose. It made me realize who I am and what I can do to make myself and other people around me happy. I am a much better person than I was a year ago. I am a better mom, I am a better Sarah.
I feel wanted again, needed by someone other than my kids and appreciated for the things I do. I can't explain how much of a difference that makes in my life. Everyone has a purpose in life and right now mine isn't to have a job. That may change in a couple months but for right now, I am doing what I should be doing by staying home, taking care of Bella, the house, Marley, Lexi and doing all the little things I do through out the day to make a difference, in a small way to the people I love.
I know that things can change. I probably will never forget that and it will take me a long time to ever let go of that fear that it will. If I could change one thing right now, that would be it. Yes, things can change but it doesn't sound like they are going to any time soon. Right now, my life is good and I am making people happy. It doesn't matter that the things I worry about for myself aren't done. It doesn't matter that I am not working or that I can't contribute the way I *think* I should be. I am contributing, I am making a difference. I am enough. That all by itself is the biggest thing I am thankful for. Me, all by myself, is enough. All the other things I worried about, don't matter and that is such a huge relief. To know that what I am doing and who I am is exactly enough.
I am rambling, I know. But the wine I had this weekend was really awesome. It made me feel so much more confident in me, in my life. I don't feel alone, I feel accepted. All the things I was worried about, I don't have to worry about them right now, maybe never again. If I can just accept my reality and stop thinking that it is all going to be short lived. This is real and happening. I can be happier than I ever thought I could be. I am happier than I ever imagined. As crazy of a place that I am in, I am not stressed or worried. I am happy.
I feel loved and wanted. What more can a girl ask for? Oh to be appreciated..... well I feel that too. It is amazing and I hope it never goes away.
