Starting over is never easy. Especially when you have to start at the very beginning but that is exactly what I have had to do this year. The saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I believe that whole heartily after this year. The beginning of the year started off like any other year, but after that, things went insane. The person I was married to and supported for 8 years decided he had enough of me and wanted to leave. It took a few months and a lot of tears but in the end, we are getting divorced and I am completely ok with it. What made that happen? I have no doubts anymore. At first I spent a lot of time wondering if there was something I could have done different but I learned, it wasn't me! It was him and there was nothing I could do or change that would make him happy and once I accepted that I didn't do anything wrong and that it wasn't something wrong with me, I was ok. The second time he left, I was much stronger than the first and I picked myself up and got right back out there. I started talking to a bunch of different people, guys mostly, and talking to them helped me realize that I was a good person and worth the right persons time.
During the end of July and the beginning of August I started dating again. I went on a couple dates with one guy and talked on the phone to a couple of different guys but then I met one guy that changed my life completely. After I met him, things changed for me. I felt more confident, more like myself. I found myself wanting to spend all my time with him, any chance I got. Then I even did something I said I would never do, and I let him meet my kids.... we had only been talking for a couple weeks. I had decided that I wouldn't introduce anyone to the kids til I had been dating them for three months. But there was something about this guy that made me want to break that rule. I am so glad I did, he has turned out to be the best possible thing that could have happened to me. He makes me happy and he is good to my kids. What else could I ask for. Certainly, I was not prepared to fall in love again. I had my guard up, I was sure that I didn't want anything serious when my husband left me for a long time. But I couldn't change how I felt. It is amazing the difference in my life since I met my boyfriend. After only a couple months of dating, we decided for the kids and me to move in with him. Since we were spending all of our free time together, it just seemed like a good idea. Why pay rent to someone else, where the money isn't going to anything when I could give my rent money to him and have it go towards something helpful? I KNOW it was a crazy thing to do, but sometimes crazy is the right answer. I mean, I am crazy.... I have to do crazy things sometimes.
The transition has gone awesome. I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He is smart and motivated and can make anything happen. I have never known anyone like him in my whole life. He inspires me and helps me be a better person. I find myself wanting to do things I hated doing before. For example: LAUNDRY! I hate laundry but I know it makes life easier when it is kept up and I have been doing awesome keeping it up. It has been months and I haven't gotten behind at all, I am proud of myself. My favorite thing about my boyfriend is that he tells me thank you. I know he appreciates the things I do but hearing someone say thank you, it means a lot after days of doing the same thing all the time. Sometimes, that is what motivates me to keep things done. I want to make him happy so it makes me want to do things for him. I can't really explain it.
The biggest stress in my life right now is that I am not working. Money always stresses me out and if it wasn't for my boyfriend letting us live here, I honestly don't know where I would be right now. My ex husband hasn't been able to give me the money he is supposed to be and I wasn't able to pay my rent.... had I not moved in here, I would have been evicted from the place I had planned on moving to and who knows where the kids and I would have ended up. I have been looking for work, it just isn't easy to find a decent job with decent pay. And my boyfriend likes me being home, so it is hard to justify getting a job that is for minimum wage when I could be here doing things here, being with the kids, and having dinner ready for him when he gets home. Hopefully, I can find a job though and actually contribute to the things that are going on here. I have never in my life been in a position like this, where I am so dependent on someone else. I have always had a job where I could afford whatever I needed and could take care of the kids. But right now, I am not. I can barely afford groceries, let alone my rent. Thankfully, my alimony and child support will be starting more regularly next month and I will feel a lot better about being here. I mean, I love being here, our new little family is awesome and I am so happy, but I will feel a lot better when I am paying what I am supposed to be and able to buy all the groceries with no problems. Not to mention the little things, like I NEED my hair done. It is getting out of control. Christmas is coming up and I have no way to get the kids much.
I am so thankful that I met my boyfriend when I did. I can't imagine how different things would be for me right now if I hadn't. I know I would be miserable. It is really awesome how one person can make such a huge difference in your life so quickly. He really balances me out. I am indecisive, impulsive, messy, and just a mess but when I am with him I feel like I am not stressed, I am in control and have a better grip on life.
I still worry.... at some point all of my crazy life could be too much for him and everything will be gone. I hope that doesn't happen but I can't put that worry out of my mind. I shouldn't worry but I know that my life is a lot to handle, I am barely hanging on most days. So far he has been more than ready for the challenges and has handled everything perfectly. I really couldn't have asked for anyone better to enter my life. How did I get that lucky? I will never know but for now, I am going to enjoy the happiness that I have and try not to stress. Things are falling into place and setting me up for happiness in so many ways. Once I find a job, things will be even better.
I guess that is enough for today. Welcome to my crazy life and here is to starting over..... its working out great so far.
